Deja Vu

In Eminem’s 2009 release entitled “Relapse,” he discusses his struggles with addiction through various horror stories as he relates these stories to his actual relapse that nearly took his life. In my opinion, one of the stand-out songs from the album was the song entitled, “Deja Vu.” In this song, Eminem goes into detail about his addiction, even eluding to the fact that his propensity for substances began earlier in his family tree. Eminem is simply another victim of the disease.
    In the song, he states;

“As I fall deeper into a manic state
I'm a prime candidate for the gene
To receive the drug addict trait”

    I always found this stanza vital to the song. The lines have become more revolutionary as I have encountered my battles with addiction. I also had to come to terms with the reality that the battles that my parents faced; I am now facing. The only difference is the substance. According to family members, my mom became addicted to speed. I experienced my father delving into alcoholism. My father also had an addiction to cocaine in his younger years. As for me, I quickly became addicted to porn.
    All too often addiction is handed down from generation to generation; showing the progressive disease that is inherited over time. I have also learned that addiction develops from unhealthy coping mechanisms that we use when we are stressed, depressed, or we are struggling to understand what we are thinking and feeling. Understanding this more now, I can take better care of my mental health to help deal with the desire to indulge in my addiction.
    In the song, Eminem continues;

“I seem to gravitate to the bottle of NyQuil then I salivate
Start off with the NyQuil, like, "I think I'll just have a taste"
Couple of sips of that then I gradually graduate
To a harder prescription drug called Valium like, "Yeah, that's great"
I go to just take one and I end up like having eight”

In Eminem’s case, his addictive personality showed through his dependency on sleeping medications. According to this section of verse one; he started off using NyQuil, but quickly escalated to harder prescription drugs to get sleep and rest. In my case, my porn consumption has increased a lot over the years. It not only increased in the amount that I was consuming, but it also increased in the type of porn that I was watching. For instance, towards the end of junior high and going into high school, I mostly found nude images of celebrities. In my adult life, I was looking into websites that provided videos.
    Simultaneously, while I needed different types of media to crave the itch of my pornographic desires, I found out that I also needed more graphic material to feel the same level of satisfaction at the end of the day. My tolerance was increasing at a dramatic rate. With that dramatic jump in tolerance, I would spend more time-consuming porn. In my earlier days, I might watch porn for 30-45 minutes; at the height of my addiction, I could spend three to four hours consuming porn in a single session. Even then, I wasn’t satisfied; I would then binge porn for days at a time; A very unhealthy amount.
    Later in the song, Eminem adds;

"Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer?"
That's the devil in my ear, I've been sober a f***in’ year
And that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can f***ing hear”

    This is a sign of rationalizing. Eminem is trying to convince himself that he will not fully relapse from simply drinking a bit of alcohol. These are often steps that the brain will take to deceive the addict into indulging. This is an extremely slippery slope. Most addicts need to stay diligent when this temptation is approaching because if they do not, they are very likely to relapse.
    In regards to rationalizing when it comes to porn, I often find myself thinking that simply scrolling social media aimlessly without issue. I will also rationalize by telling myself that looking at a few Instagram models will not harm me. The truth is, this will create an opportunity to relapse. Since my brain is wired to want and need the dopamine that is provided when consuming porn, I need to work hard to rewire my brain. I cannot engage in material that will remind me of something I am trying to recover from.
    It is time for recovery. I understand that I need to be aware of my addiction and the steps that I need to take to recover. This is why I am sharing my story and connecting it with artists who openly share their recovery through their art. Through songs like this, I feel heard and empowered as I am seeking recovery. I know that I can heal and recover from my addiction. I realize that seeking recovery does not make one weak; it makes one strong.

    I will recover. I will remain strong.