My Loss, My Gain

   I lost everything: I lost my dream job, my dream house, and I nearly lost my life! I lost all of this in the matter of a few weeks. I had lost it all to a nearly thirty-year-old addiction, a porn addiction that took root in my life around the age of eight years old.
    I was a newly licensed pastor in a church in northern Arizona. In the process of being licensed, I revealed my addiction to the elders of my church with the hopes of support from the church in my recovery process. Revealing this was a large risk. I had to stick to my integrity. I had to speak out and be honest regardless of the repercussions.
    I found myself sitting before a panel of ordained ministers discussing my application for licensure. The truth was out there; I was an addict. I was not only an addict, but my addiction is the same addiction/activity that had destroyed many church-goers because it is an escalating behavior that feeds into sexual abuse. This addiction often leaves the safety of the hidden websites and escalates into taking advantage of church congregants and sexually abusing those in your care. I feared this would be in my future. I feared a years-long church scandal. I did not want that.
    I spoke out about my addiction because I am seeking recovery, and I am seeking support from a community that should be supporting the healing of pastors and church-goers alike. The panel agreed to support me in my recovery. I was shocked and relieved. The panel agreed to support me and check in on me during my recovery. They agreed to support me, and they just asked me to join a recovery support group and attend therapy—both steps I was already doing before revealing my addiction. I was already going to support groups that specifically focused on porn addiction, and I was already going to therapy regularly. I felt hopeful about my future as a pastor.
    Six months later, I found myself sitting before the panel yet again, but its members had changed from the original meeting. Before the panel meeting, I submitted a journal I had kept throughout my recovery so far, as well as a write-up that categorized my recovery: my successes and my pitfalls. I was writing purely from the standpoint of being open about my sobriety and healing.
    The panel asked a series of questions regarding my addiction and my imperfect record.  They then placed me in a waiting room on Zoom chat. I sat nervously awaiting their return. When they returned, they quoted my journal, using my journal as a way to prove that I was not taking my sobriety seriously. I was told that I was not upholding the standard set by the church. During the panel meeting, I explained that while my recovery has not been perfect over the past year, I have made great strides.
    This was not a helpful argument. I lost my pastoral job. I lost the house that came with the pastor's job, and I was expected to move within two weeks. My wife and I are now living with her family. We are both broken and devastated by the lack of support that we received.
    I lost my purpose in life. I lost my hope. I didn’t want to get out of bed, and I didn’t want to live any longer. I was planning my suicide. I wanted my wife to leave me and find a better husband. My addiction began to run rampant, and my shame in it seemed to increase. I didn’t know what to do.
    Do I allow the shame of my addiction to envelope me and further destroy me and my potential? Or do I choose to stand up, heal, and recover from my addiction? I chose to heal! I chose to fight my addiction and become a better person, becoming a better advocate for recovery and healing. I am choosing to advocate for churches to gain a better understanding of porn addiction and how to approach true recovery.
    It is through this loss of a dream job that I realized that most churches, and therefore, most pastors, have an archaic view of porn addiction, which is, “Just don’t do it.” I wish it were that easy. Recovering from porn is a nuanced and complicated endeavor that has a lot of ups and downs. Recovery happens over time, not in an instant. Recovery is not simply “not looking at the content,” in fact, it is dealing with your own personal demons and your own personal trauma that triggers his addiction. Recovery is not simply meeting a woman, getting married, and engaging in sex; in fact, it is learning to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life with your partner.
    I lost everything: I lost my dream job, my dream house, and I nearly lost my life. At the height of my addiction, I was at the lowest point of my life. The result of my addiction caused my life to crumble, but the truth is, I gained so much more. I gained my integrity when it would have been easy to hide the addiction and advance my career. I gained my self-respect, knowing that I have made personal connections with those who have struggled with addiction simply by sharing my story. I have gained by voice through my struggles and my recovery process.
    I now have a new goal; I want to further speak out about porn addiction and the struggles of recovering from this addiction. I want to continue to speak out about the church’s views on porn and porn addiction. I believe that the church’s views on porn are not clear enough; therefore, they do not fully know how to support those seeking recovery from this addiction.